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I have been unable to blog lately. Working through something. So, why I stew in my blue, I receive this from my daughter, and my heart turns a lovely warm yellow!
The journey begins. The cab was early. The plane is on time. Everything was done, organized, arranged and confirmed. From Dulles to Dallas to Sedona, I am sitting by myself in a row of three seats. Yep. Little ‘ol me. Space. I am filled with excitement and anticipation, as I have been feeling the energy of this event building in the last few weeks. From test achievement to depression to sad lunch to joyful birthday weekend in an unforgettable snow…don’t think I don’t feel you Universe, that push that nudges me from behind, crowding my space, waiting for me to make a move, any action. But instead I sit still in myself and feel it. And I don’t go to class. And I don’t fake the lunch. And I listen and feel. I recognize the okayness of the moment even in it’s dampness. That makes me breathe. And I don’t get tighter. I feel and trust in you and I am free. Now I realize that nudge behind me was you all along. Finally I recognize you God, but I have never really liked that name. There seem to be so many conflicting ideas of what you are, too much room for getting it wrong. And that is the funny part, all of those ideas are right, because how you show up for me is mine. And how you show up for him is his. And my filter of love is purple, his is yellow. We are looking, feeling, the same love, but it looks purple from here. Yellow from there. I like yellow too. I can feel yellow. I can at least be open to yellow because what I know is that we are all looking at the same thing, love.
So my story today begins with an awakening, to love and God, on the plane and what could matter more? My story will continue when, in the arms of the others also arriving here today, we lift each other up in healing love. Red, yellow, purple, orange, green, blue…and we all meld together into one amazing, magnetic rainbow, that yes, is magical. No doubt this colorful force has powers, super powers, that some can’t fathom. It is true and real, my purple self has felt it so many times now there is no room left for doubt. And to live in a space without doubt dragging you back, well, that is freedom. Quiet, powerful, colorful, super-powered freedom, that once felt, never dies.
If for a moment you feel weighed down with doubt, meaning you have a brief forgetting, and you go unconscious to love, no worries. That freedom you know will immediately shine through the cracks of your doubt and blast the darkness. You won’t lose your freedom. You never lost it in the first place…you were looking for purple. And maybe it was yellow that day.
I love you, dear daughter — Always.
It is so quiet at this hour; the birds are still sleeping. Where are they? Where do they go at night?
I pick up my pace. A biker flies by. I’m walking in sand. Hard work. Not really. I smile and thank God for this sunrise.
The half-way mark. I hug a giant fuzzy robe that happens to have a grown daughter wrapped up inside! I pat her head and feel beyond fortunate.
She makes me coffee and we cuddle together and watch the water birds fishing in the shallow tide. We hear a seal bark and my daughter decides to take her kayak out and find him. I head back home, a smile on my face.
The sun is on my back now and the morning is in full bloom. Filled with the joy of it all, I say a few words to the seagulls as I pass them on the path. They look away, perhaps concerned that I’m deranged. Could be.
I remember that I’m out of coffee and walk past my home, to the grocery store. With coffee, bananas and bottled water, I return home in the glow of my “You-just-walked-four-miles-and-it-felt-great! — ness.”
Thank you for this day, God! I’m going to rock this day!
Fourth Sunday in Advent. Time to prepare for His birth. No time to prepare. Prepare what? Prepare my heart. Love one another. Human kindness. That’s all He asks of us. It’s so simple. It’s so hard. Why is it so hard? I miss you. God bless you and keep you in His loving care. I will try harder. It’s not hard. Sometimes it’s hard. But you are with me every step of the way. You promised.
Thank you God for all my blessings.
What a way to start the morning! Simply magical…. I’m without words! Thank you, God, for this special day!
I was high on life, thanking God for my new home and for the opportunity to spend more time with my daughter. It just doesn’t get better than that.
As I headed back along the bike path, a huge flock of seagulls took off and flew right over my head! Seriously! They had just taken flight as they approached me on the path; so close that I could hear their wings flapping!
And then, I heard something else. The plop plop of seagull poop dropping all around me! Too late to run for cover. I stood there like a total idiot, hands over head, laughing hysterically.
So, as they say, “Sheeet happens!” Get over it. And keep moving!
One day last week I woke up in full-on misery. Questioning everything. Doubting everything. Everyone. Particularly me. Questioning my pea for a brain and wondering how I could have made so many mistakes in my life! I could do nothing right that day. I tried moving furniture which has been my panacea for the last sixty years when I’m feeling down, and even that wouldn’t go right. Nothing looked good. Nothing felt good. Oh, woe was me.
And then this wise person said to me: “You know, sometimes when we’re so full of anger but we stuff that anger in, and don’t deal with the thing, the actions, the person, that caused it — we turn all that negative energy inwards and beat ourselves up. We punish our self. We blame our self. We become our very own black cloud. But as soon as we recognize the anger and DEAL WITH IT, the black cloud dissipates; the sun comes out and the depression lifts.”
So, for all you non-confrontational folks out there, just like me, try it. It works. Amazing stuff. And when you’re free to smile again, take a walk. Breathe!