Let’s Go For A Walk

Let’s go for a walk. We need to talk. I’ve got to share something that’s really bugging me, OK? Ummmmm. The air is so warm and fresh!

OK, so you’ll remember that I shared with you that my husband is gravely ill? Yes, he has cancer and it has spread into his bones and his prognosis is poor. In fact, he’s on Hospice care now.

So this is the deal. The Hospice doctor put him on some incredible Superman medicine which has boosted his appetite and energy levels to a level beyond where he was back in the day! And now, Hospice gave him permission to go on an outing. The Hospice nurse said, “You’re not in prison, you know. If you want to go out, you can go out for an hour or two.”

At the sound of burning rubber on the driveway, I thought to myself, “Perhaps I should have gone with him.” But, too late. And he left his cell phone on the kitchen counter. Where did he go? Well, by the rumors that beat him back home to the “Compound” as we like to refer to our over-55 golf course community, he went directly to Thunder Valley Casino, about two miles thataway.

Does someone want to explain to me how you’re supposed to dig your poor old mind up out of the “He’s going to die at any moment” gutter, to “I wonder if he’ll come home for dinner!” It is a strange situation I find myself in. And I wanted to share this with you, because it has triggered some very powerful emotions which make me think I’m not sound of mind.

Anger. Yes, that’s one of the feelings. I just went through two months of 24/7 care-giving. He doesn’t really know what I did during that period as he slept most of it away. How dare he just get up, and go play while I sit here sorting his medicine bottles and re-stacking his bandages?

Confusion. Yes, frustrated and confused. The Hospice nurse explained that when someone is under Hospice care, that means that technically, they have about six months to go. For the last two months, I’ve been planning and discussing incredibly difficult subjects with my husband, and with our children. Whispering to my family and friends on the phone, and answering their heartfelt questions as best I can.

Embarrassed. We have two churches praying for my husband. (Perhaps the easy answer here is, the prayers are working!) How do you tell someone who is diligently praying for your husband’s healing and peace that he is somewhere in a smoke-filled casino with his poker face on?

Joy and Thanksgiving. I remember sitting in the silence of “nap time” last week, and thinking, “Oh my God, this is how quiet it’s going to be. This is going to be very lonely.” And now, here we are, discussing what we’ll have for dinner.

OK. So you get the idea. I know now that all of these feelings have got to be “normal” and I can’t pretend that they’re not there. I know that I must just “embrace the plateau” as pastor suggested, and hope that family and friends will do the same. This is a strange time I’m living in, and my husband is living through. Next week is his birthday. He’s going to see his 74th. That is a blessing and I’m thankful for that.

Thanks for listening.

And thanks for the walk! Isn’t it a spectacular day?


About susansplace

Widowed in 2012, I am a mother and grandmother. Born in San Francisco, I now live in the town I grew up in: Mill Valley, California. I love nature photography. Just an amateur but that's OK! My goal: world peace. Got any ideas?
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10 Responses to Let’s Go For A Walk

  1. Laura says:

    This must be such a total roller coaster of emotion. Just ride it! With your hands up! Feel every drop and ascent. What a relief Walt must feel that he can have some joy still.

  2. carol says:

    Are you afraid that something is going to happen to him now? is there anything that we can do?
    My husbands sister Rita went though days like this, when her husband Gerry had cancer they had hospice for him, the doctor had him on marijuana pills, that was making him fill pretty good, he wanted to drive himself to Starbucks, were he used go every morning for coffee (men bounding), hospice told Rita if he feels like going let him go, he even did well enough that hospice didn’t need to be there any more, that just lasted a couple of months, hospice was back, then the end came. You are a wonderful wife doing a great job, Walt is lucky to have you, and I
    know he is great full.

  3. Jan says:

    I was just thinking about the roller coaster life you are living right now and stopped to read the comments above where Laura used that term also much more eloquently than I. Glenn “ran into” Walt at their favorite place this weekend and said he had never looked better! He went on and on how terrific he looked and talked and how positive he was. Those are all miracles at work for the time you can enjoy them. Many people are praying for both of you and this is answered prayer for now. Enoy!

  4. Lynn Toth says:

    I’m so gratefull to God that he’s having this time of strength, and it is a bit funny where he chose to go! But I say, good for him! Your honesty about it is refreshing and your feelings (actually any feelsing you have) are so understandable and are to be validated, Sue. God does work miracles-some seem small, some seem larger, but this one seems pretty gigantic!! Continues prayers!

  5. Blessings to you susansplace!

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